Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Way It Was

I’ve lost. It’s over now. I hate to admit it but I guess I was fooled — or rather I am a fool. I am no longer clinging on it. Finally I am learning goodbye is the answer after all. It is very difficult to let go but I am being brave to accept. I am not taking any shortcuts. I am taking the hardest way out so that I shall never dare to go back again.

There’s really nothing to begin with so this should not be taken as the end. But as it never started, let it stay that way. I shall not be at any others dispense. I shall never be someone’s convenience. I have to stop now. Stop while I am still sane to say no. There will never be tears.

No right to hope for. The fantasy is over. The fiction has long been gone. Back to reality. No need to go back to my old self. I should embrace these changes brought about by pain and weariness.

Don’t get near me. Stay where visibility is impossible. Stay there forever until the gloom turns into lightness and darkness into happiness.

It won’t be forever. I am learning to look at the same direction again. This time, with no more qualms or fear. I shall be gleeful again. When the time comes.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Mas Madami

Kung susumahin ang dami ng naisulat kong blog noong nakaraang taon sa kasalukuyan, talaga nga naman na mas marami ang nasulat ko nung nakaraan. Kasi naman halos araw-araw ako kung magsulat noon. Parang isang hanap-buhay araw-araw na inuulat.

Nag-sinabawang gulay kasi ako noon. Kaya makulay ang buhay!

Sa totoo lang tinatamad kasi ako sumulat. Ang dami ko na ngang drafts. At lahat sila nanatiling draft na lang. Yung iba naman na-delete ko na agad. Wala akong mapaghugutan. Matamlay kasi ang buhay ngayong taon na ito. Parang ang bigat kasi ng pakiramdam. Kasi naman ang boring ng mga topic ko. Parang ngayon.Wala ka lang mapagtiyagaan basahin kaya binabasa mo ito. Sign of boredom ang pagtitiyaga sa mga walang kwentang akda gaya nito.

Pero hindi mo naman ako papansinin dahil alam kong tatapusin mo pa ang blog na ito. Sige na. Talo na ko.

Ngayong taon, maliban sa aking damdaming nasaktan at patuloy na nasasaktan, wala talagang paksa ang nakakapukaw sa aking ulirat. Maraming nasimulan pero ayoko tapusin. Ayoko magsulat dahil gusto ko lang o gusto nyo lang. Di ba? May point ako?

Pero hindi totoo ang sinabi ko sa taas. Kasi nagdadahilan lang talaga ako. Wala naman perpektong paksa para isulat. Ang mahalaga lang ay iyong taos pusong intensyon sa paghahatid ng mensahe ko para sa inyo. Walang boredom. Walang lose hope.

Ako lang talaga ito.


Boring! Shet!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Healing Time

“Never make someone a priority when to them, you are simply an option.”

This was a phrase that sank me to the lowest. Thanks to Fat Fajardo, this made me ponder big time on my real value.

To simply put it, I have allowed myself to become a puppet for several months now. It’s not because I don’t love myself but I was just trying to punch my hands in the air. Wishing it could work out well. Maybe it was my mistake for caressing this bad habit. Maybe I’m just a freak and emotional trying to get attached without realising I am getting detached. Maybe I was just being me.

I really think that is such an asinine concept to hope for the hopeless. For several months, I have allowed myself to circle around someone else’ life even with the knowledge that I am a third grade option — just a third best. I didn’t guard my heart. For the longest time you can record, I have been a total idiot thinking that somewhere, sometime things could make a difference.

No matter how big the effort I put in or how much I strive to become better, there is someone best. However time I invest, there will be something worth keeping. How much love I give in, it can’t be accommodated. Whatever I do, there’ll be perfect choices to get from. For how can you enter a heart that has not even opened its door to you? How can you say hello to a feeling that has not even dared to welcome you?

This will be my final wailing. These striking moments will continue to hit me. But I dare to get hit just to heal.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Isang Mensahe

Isa itong kanta. Kanta ng The Company at  ni-revive ni Carol Banawa. Wag na lagyan ng kahulugan kung bakit ko nilagay dito. Gusto ko lang at wala kang pakialam.


May sikreto akong sasabihin sa 'yo
Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam
Ito'y isang lihim itinagong kay tagal
Muntik na kitang minahal
'Di ko noon nakayang ipadama sa 'yo
Ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito
At hanggang ngayon ay naaalala pa
Muntik na kitang minahal

REFRAIN:

Ngayon ay aaminin ko na
Na sana nga ay tayong dalawa
Bawat tanong mo'y iniwasan ko
Akala ang pag-ibig mo'y 'di totoo
'Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari
Damdamin ko sa 'yo'y hindi ko masabi
Hanggang ang puso mo'y mapagod
Sa paghihintay kay tagal
Saka ko lang naisip muntik na kitang minahal

'Di ko noon nakayang ipadama sa 'yo

Ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito
At hanggang ngayon ay naaalala pa
Muntik na kitang minahal

REFRAIN:

Ngayon ay aaminin ko na
Na sana nga'y tayong dalawa
Bawat tanong mo'y iniwasan ko
Akala ang pag-ibig mo'y 'di totoo
'Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari
Damdamin ko sa 'yo'y hindi ko nasabi
Hanggang ang puso mo'y mapagod
Sa paghihintay kay tagal
Saka ko lang naisip
Muntik na kitang minahal

Hanggang ang puso mo'y mapagod

Sa paghihintay kay tagal
Saka ko lang naisip
Muntik na kitang minahal

Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics